My counsel on relationships is that is it better to remain together than to break up, because breaking up hurts (sometimes several people). This requires context of course. If you’ve been dating and you believe the relationship is not for you then get out. That is entirely different to having children and accumulating assets together. Where a long term relationship breaks up, then it damages children (who are most always effected) and it can disable one person financially. But of course there is also the context where a relationship is abusive, and the least harm is done by ending it. So while it is better to stay together if possible, it is sometimes necessary to get out.
The key components of a lasting intimate relationship include;
You have to want to be together. This may seem obvious to some readers, but there are many who don’t meet this criteria. It can be during the early formation stages of relationship that an influential parent really likes your new partner and wants you to stay together; so you agree to get married for example. Or it may be that one partner has low self esteem and in their mind the other person is the only one that has been interested in them, so you just land in a relationship and accept it for what it is. Sometimes people grow out of a relationship after many years together. It is not entirely unusual to pretend your partner is the person you want, but they’re really not. Or sometimes people change as they get older. Whether the problem is real or perceived, you come to see the other person differently was you grow older, and this ‘new’ person you’re looking at now is not someone you want to be with. Ask yourself; am I seeing my partner for who they really are? If so, do I really want to be with them?
Intimacy is the sense of feeling close to one another. Intimacy may come about in a variety of ways. Don't make the mistake of dividing this up by gender and assuming men like one thing and women another. That is not always the case. You are who you are. As long as it works for both people then you have a deal. For example you may feel close to another person by holding hands and watching a movie. Another person may prefer conversation that includes trust and vulnerability. Others may prefer a romantic dinner, flowers, appreciation, or reading a book together. There are many ways of achieving intimacy. Early in a relationship, particularly if you are younger, intimacy is an unconscious thing. We feel close to the other person, but may not pause to articulate why that is. As you progress through a relationship intimacy becomes a more conscious act. You have to know what constitutes intimacy for yourself, and your partner and pay attention to those things sometimes. Ask yourself; what makes you feel close to your partner? What makes them feel the same way? Don't look for mutuality - people can be different.
Priority is the behaviours that tell your partner they are important to you. Priority gives your partner equal influence in the relationship. Your partner will know they are more important than your work, your hobby, than other people. They will know they are the primary person in your life and they won’t have to fight for that position. This is not to say that work, other people and other interests don’t matter, because they do. It would not be healthy to spend all of your time with your partner. Let’s put this in reverse to demonstrate. Suppose your mother had more influence over your relationship than your wife? That wont work for your wife. Your partner has to be the most important person in your home. It will bring about a feeling of security and trust. It might be best not to make assumptions here. Ask your partner if they believe you make them the number one priority in the home?
Usually if intimacy breaks down for one person, priority will break down for the other. The same is true in reverse order, that if priority breaks down for one person, intimacy will break down for the other. For example, partner A spends way too much time playing golf (priority), then partner B is susceptible to forming relationship with someone else (intimacy) to fill the loneliness void.
If you genuinely want to be together, and if you can maintain a reasonable level of intimacy, and if you feel secure that your partner gives you priority in the home, then couples can weather most all else that happens. As an equation; intimacy + priority = long term relationship. Provided you still want to be together, of course. While every relationship is individual, the equation generally holds true.
